Life has been, well, life. In my previous posts, i often talked about looking for something more in life. (Always, always talking about living my dreams and visions and whatever that's accepted in the same context.) And i'm sure you've been wondering where i went disappearing to all these time, yes?
So here's what really happened.
If you've been following me in the previous years, you'd know i grew up with my grandparents and how attached i am to the both of them. A fateful day in February, 2012 my grandpa passed away. It was the most painful time for me. I understood that he was old and death was well, definite. Not only for him, but for every one of us. That got me thinking, the sorrow and pain i went through somehow managed to rewire certain parts of my brain and i began to ask questions. Questions involving life and its existence. Why am i here? What is my purpose?
Blood shot eyes, distress, weight loss, disinterest to go on with my mundane life, i carried on. But things were not the same. I didn't enjoy the things that i used to enjoy, i fell out of love with the things i thought i loved. I became a mindless machine. But at the same time, seeking answers to all the questions. I suffered from nightmares night after night, the same damn images reoccurring, waking up to a wet pillow day after day. I was a depressed being, unable to cope with the pain. Not only with the fact of my grandfather's death but also the very fact that anything and everything is impermanent. I had to come to terms with the Universal Law of Nature.
I quit my job, moved back to my parents house back in a little township, hoping i'd find something there. 3 months of moping around in isolation and self realization, i decided to move to Langkawi Island and work in an animal shelter. That was the first step. The death of Ego. I cleaned and cared for sick, homeless animals. Moving from a well paying corporate job to this, my family and friends thought i had finally lost my mind. But i did it anyway, not caring about the input of others in regards to my "life-changing" decision.
I found happiness in the littlest things. Things that never caught my attention before; how a butterfly flutters its wings, how an army of ants look carrying the day's findings back home to their community or how beautiful the rays of the sun look when it's setting. Yes, little things like that. That gave me a different perspective of life. I made a lot of good friends, lived life like a true island girl. No longer the pump heeled, brand conscious,10-inch make up bearing "woohoo" corporate bitch i was. It was definitely an amazing experience.
Reality set in after almost a year of living an island life. I had family back home and i had responsibilities as a human being. Secretly (and selfishly), i never wanted to move away from the island life. It was everything i've ever wanted. But then again, is it really?
Back in the big city and i was pretty adamant with my childhood wishes of pursuing Veterinary Medicine, only to realize that was not practical. Not practical at all. Not that practicality was on my mind this whole time but like i said, perspective. It all boils down to perspective again. I came to a realization that i needed that break, i needed the change of environment. Call it a hiatus if you like. Hiatus from life. Hiatus from reality. With all that i have experienced; the metamorphosis, has definitely been eye opening. I am more conscious, more aware, be it personal situations or a world crisis. The transition, the experience is all I needed to have a clearer picture.
“Chaos is what we’ve lost touch with. This is why it is given a bad name. It is feared by the dominant archetype of our world, which is Ego, which clenches because its existance is defined in terms of control.” – Terence McKenna
I leave you with a cover of The Beatles, Because from Across the Universe. More ramblings soon. x
